(Inspired by the "24 Useless Facts About Me" meme currently being posted throughout Blogger.)
1. There are nude photos of me on the internet. Why? I've had a lot of issues with my body ever since I was a little kid. I thought it would be interesting to let go of the proprietary rights to view my body and instead turn my nudity into a sort of "open source," to see if it would help me deal with my self-esteem issues. Has it? Yes, as a matter of fact, it has. Where are these photos? Oh, I ain't saying. (Actually, I can't say. It's against the rules of my site host to link to adult content. They're not that hard to find, though, if you look in the right places.)
2. The only web journals I bookmark are of cute girls. I know, I feel really guilty about this too. I know there's plenty of interesting content by guys that I'm missing. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know.
3. I once wrote to Liz Phair at her parents' house. This was just a few months after her first album had been released, back in 1993. One night I was reading through a friend's old music zines and found a year-old review of "GirlySoundz," which was the homemade tape Phair released after college but before her label contract. She was living at home at the time, and there was her parents' address, right there in black and white, so...so I wrote her a letter! To this day I still feel a little guilty about it. Did I hear back from her? What do you think?
4. I have masturbated to completion approximately 19,656 times. For those keeping score at home, that's approximately 21 times a week for 18 years.
5. I've never had a threeway. And damnit, it's about time that I did.
6. A woman once drew a smiley face on my penis and made it talk like a puppet. This is when I was 20 and would still deal with that kind of shit in order to get laid. And I did get laid, don't get me wrong.
7. Someone once threw up on me in the middle of sex. Even worse, she was on top. But that's enough of that one.
8. I currently own 52 videotapes of pornography. This confession simply begs to not be commented on, so I won't.
9. I was once invited to sleep with another man's wife while he watched. They live in Aurora, a suburb of Chicago about an hour's drive from the city (and, incidentally, the town where Wayne's World is set). They found me through - what else - the internet. I told them I'd have to meet the two of them in a neutral location first before I would agree to it, and they never wrote back. Makes me believe it was actually some creepy scam. Buyer beware!
10. I've only been to a strip club once in my life, and I hated it. Knowing my pornographic habits, people never believe this one, but it's true, I swear it's true. It was in Des Moines, Iowa, of all places, a bachelor party for a friend's wife's sister's fiance. Why didn't I like it? Listen to me, people - What is the point of having a naked woman dance six inches from you if you're not allowed to touch your penis while it's happening? Jesus Christ, I still haven't figured that one out. As far as I can tell, strip clubs just make you horny, drunk and broke, and I already spend WAY too much of my life in that state as it is.
11. I once had sex with a woman without knowing her name until afterwards. And before you start getting offended, let me assure you she didn't know mine either. An utterly odd, magical night - waiting for the bus at midnight, a fellow traveler strikes up a conversation with me. We end up exiting the bus at the same stop, at which point I invite her to breakfast. End up at a diner until 4 in the morning, at which point I go for broke and invite her back to my place. Amazingly, she agrees - hot sex for three hours, we both take a nap, she gets up and leaves, I never see her again. S., where are you?
12. I get really turned on when women use computer metaphors to describe themselves. Like last week, when a woman at Mad Bar described herself as a "carbon-based information-gathering subroutine." Stop it, lady - you're getting me all hot!
Tomorrow: part 2